HAPPY NEW...February?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 

**Fireworks banging** 

**CLINK CLINK of champagne Flutes** 

Oh shit..it's February...

Yes i'm a month late....but, better late than never right?

January is always a weird month for me. I find myself in complete reflection and torment of the year before, what I could have done better, resolutions I ruined, mistakes I made. That with the inevitable hangover on New Year's Day and the fact that after a week of careless boozing you have to return to work and reality on the 2nd; it probably makes New Year's Day the worst day of the year for me.

If you haven't gathered already from my recent posts, I'm an utter over-thinker *shock*. This means I am my own worst critic...unfortunately (for me). Which leads to New Year's Day being full of dreaded 'What if's' being thrown about my head and so usually I sit and plan on how I can make the next year a better one. But this year I didn't. On the 1st January, I didn't have any resolutions or intentions I wanted to commit to. The only one I had really, was to complete Dry January. After an intense week of drinking and celebrating, it made this decision an easy one for me. But god, did I not actually think I would make the 4 and half weeks without ONE single drop of alcohol. Which meant, this was sort of an empty intention in my head, one that I sort of already knew I wouldn't see through. I've tried before countless times, Sober October and Dry January...never lasting more than two weeks. The best one was last year, I lasted a long 4 days. Haha great effort! (I'm looking at you Holly Sud)

But this time it was different, after a few weeks into January I just still didn't want to drink...

Watching someone you love go through chemotherapy is probably one of the hardest and sobering things I have ever had to do. So staying sober throughout this was also a challenge, but one I ended up wanting to conquer. The trips in and out of hospital over the weekends made it easier for me to make this my priority instead of escaping my reality at the weekend and heading to the pub.

Then, suddenly, it was half way through the month and I couldn't believe how great I felt. Yes, I was having to witness and support someone who was going through something horrific, but in myself I felt good. I felt strong and confident that I could be the best version of myself to be someone they could lean on.

Instead of boozing, I found other things to fill my time. Binge watching Netflix seasons, like YOU (It's a must if you haven't seen already!) and A-Typical, reading books, going on long walks with my friends at the weekend and finishing with a catch-up coffee. I loved waking up feeling fresh for work on a Monday...heck I loved waking up fresh every damn day! And what's more my anxiety deflated to a point where I became more clear-headed. I could understand what I wanted more day-to-day instead of being blinded and misled by up and down emotions that alcohol and hangovers bring.

As well as Dry January, I unintentionally went Dry Social too. On New Year's Eve and Day, I found myself trawling through other people's Instagram stories, unhealthily comparing myself to them. Watching how they celebrated seeing in the New Year and I continuously got myself down over this and things I have lost or not achieved in 2018. Once I realised what I was doing and the damage I was actually doing to myself. I realised do you know what, I have control over this? I can actually not inflict this emotional strain on myself? It's genuinely like a light-bulb went off and then BAM. I deleted Facebook and Instagram off my phone.

Wow...not really hard really was it. But then it wasn't there anymore. I didn't have the accessible comparisons at my finger tips anymore. I just had my own life, right here and now and I thought okay, this is easy. After finding out some shitty news at the beginning of the year, I already knew January was going to be a hard one but I didn't realise deleting my social apps would make it easier. Not seeing what everyone else was up to meant staying in at the weekends and doing well, not a lot, was fine. No one else had to know what I was up to and I didn't have to care about what anyone else was doing either.

So, when I deleted the apps, I thought yeah, this would be good for a week maybe. But then after a week, I was like no lets just carry on because I like this. I like not feeling that self-inflicted pressure to keep everyone on social media updated on my life (even when the majority don't even care). That's when I thought lets just make this into a 'Dry Social January' thing too. I mean, they sort of went hand-in-hand. Not going out drinking and no social media, meant I couldn't go online and get FOMO from all the great nights my friends, and people I don't even know, were having.

Out of sight, out of mind and all that.

At the beginning, it's actually scary how many times I opened my phone and found myself automatically reaching for the Instagram icon. When it's not there you become more aware of how many times you actually intend on going on it, even in auto-pilot. But after about a week, I reached for it less and less. Which was so refreshing! It just became normal to not care about what anyone else was doing, which meant I didn't really care what I was doing either. Yeah, so what if I want to stay in my PJs and wear no makeup all day, eat chocolate and binge watch Netflix. AIN'T NOBODY GONNA KNOW HEHE. It was great!

This all being said, I hit a rather large stumbling block towards the end of the month. I became something I call 'fog-headed' and riddled with anxiety day and night for about a week. I mean, I still don't really know what caused it, it could've been the intense month finally catching up with me but I just don't really know... It just annoyed me more than anything. I was doing everything right to maintain a healthy mindset, I wasn't drinking, I wasn't going out, I was sleeping well, eating well and exercising regularly. So WHY the hell did I still feel like this!? This was when I realised that yeah, although I wasn't drinking and going on social media to prevent anxious thoughts, it doesn't just make the problem go away. It makes it better yeah, but it's just a part of me that I have to learn to deal with in the best way I can.

Although, I now have my apps back, I don't view it like I used to. I don't feel the automatic need to start mindlessly scrolling in the evening and I hope that if I ever got back into that habit I would nip that in the bud straight away. I also realise that not going out at the weekend or genuinely just doing nothing on a Friday AND Saturday night is actually fine. It's no big deal. And that's one thing I will definitely be taking away with me from this.

So yeah, although I never actually set any New Year's resolutions, I guess I've just stumbled across some anyway. I won't be setting goals, weight loss targets or intense career deadlines. I just want to 'be'. I want to relax. I just want to be happy and that's actually a lot easier to control myself than I ever thought! (cringe haha) Dry January was great and I think I learned a lot about myself and that you don't need to drink to have fun or to enjoy your weekends. But as I write this, it's the 1st of February and I am definitely looking forward to celebrating with a glass of wine tonight! Haha.

CHEERS!

Have you set any New Year's resolutions? Have you broken them yet or stuck to them?

Best wishes,

Hannah xx